I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
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I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My dad is at it again
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.