Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
this is how life feels
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.