Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
DON鈥橳 TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE鈥橲
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Friend: [handing me baby] Here鈥檚 the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple鈥攐h my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I鈥檒l never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
BOSS: How鈥檚 the project going?
ME: It鈥檚 going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won鈥檛 be done in time?
ME: I鈥檓 not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won鈥檛 be done in time.
[scooby doo鈥檚 wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I鈥檝e consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I love how Hasbro鈥檚 Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
wtf is this choreography 馃槶馃槶馃槶
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
i鈥檓 not worried about WW111 i鈥檝e been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
There’s never enough good news
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn鈥檛 believable.