It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
2022 be like
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow