How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
All set.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Wait a minute…
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools