depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Happy Friday