Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
You Might Also Like
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Lmao
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced