Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother