Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain