A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Finally, an explanation.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?