My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?