Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.