If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers