Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
me when I see my crush
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.