*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
As the Lord intended
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Breaking news:
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.