My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Meow
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture