Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”