robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
scared to check what name she chose
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
can’t believe I got front row seats
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect