sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.