Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you