I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Confused owl: What?!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Education is vital
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
liiiiiiiiike
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Rather alarming headline…