I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.