When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah