Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
when someone compliments me
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”