HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
good for her
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
shampoo implies shampee
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…