Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Catercrombie & Fish
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!