All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You Might Also Like
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.