That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long