My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If only.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”