I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.