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The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black