My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.