Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
he’s doing your taxes
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
why no one uses midhusbands
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news