god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
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I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
それは草
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries