Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
You Might Also Like
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”