nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
i- i did not expect this
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Confused owl: What?!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am