Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I falcon love using swear birds
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
good morning
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go