I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
School be like
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.