“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what