Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
step 6: release the wall snake
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.