I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away