carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men