Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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Whoa… oh I see lol
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”