It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
This was my dad’s browser history.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.