As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.