A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?