The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
My dog learned how to text
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My Guy
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
WTF IS THAT!
SF is the wild wild west man
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?