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I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good