me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.