To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
the three branches of government
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”